Sunday, May 31, 2009

Jesus Christ, In the Name of the Gun

I'm totally serious.

So, this comic book starts off with Jesus waking up in Heaven being told that God, his father, wants to see him. Jesus is a little pissed because his dad is a bit of a flake and he is pretty nonchalant about all the ailments of the world, such as the Holocaust and Pol Pot. God ends up leaving for his recurring trip that last for a century or so. Jesus orders an angel to arrange another virgin birth in Russia circa 1910. Around 1939, well...
Let's recap. Jesus didn't just walk on water. He RAN up a dude's piss stream, kicked him in the grill Guile-style, and said, "Blood of the lamb, motherfucker."

After infiltrating a rally where Hitler was doing a speech, Jesus tried to take him out with a sniper rifle, he eyed a hooded sniper on the next building who ended up popping Hitler in the head. After being chased by the Nazis thinking that Jesus was the shooter, he gets his hands on the mystery sniper, who turns out to be none other than:

Motherfucking Ernest Hemingway! Eventually, a Nazi knocks out Jesus and a tank shoots Ernest Hemingway in the chest. To be continued.

If you walk away with nothing from this, at least remember that nobody fucks with the Jesus!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

"Eat TuSpock cookies!"

Thanks to Sasquatch for this ridunkulous clip from the Conan O'Brien Jimmy Fallon Show. Fo' sho'.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Nerds: Set Boners to "Wow"

I saw the new Star Trek last night. My friend ended up buying tickets for the god damn 9:55PM showing, but guess what? The movie was so bad-ass that I wouldn't have minded if I went to a 1AM showing.

What made the movie so good? The casting, man. The actors didn't make a mockery of the characters by doing lame Priceline Negotiator impersonations or anything like that. Chris Pine did nothing that was reminiscent of James Kirk; Syler from Heroes played a terrific, as well as emotional Spock that liked to whip on motherfuckers.

Congratulations, Abrahms. I won't complain about you this round.

Oh, yeah, that Asian dude that can't find the restaurant with the mini burgers kicked a dude in the stomach, too. Man, if that ain't bad-ass, I don't know what is...

OK, maybe this is more bad-ass.

Jack of the Fables: Natural Leader

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Jack of Fables

Now that I'm caught up with The Punisher, I'm on to catching up with Jack of Fables. Fables is a phenomenal comic written by Bill Willingham about fairy tale characters living in the real (Mundy) world. Jack of Fables is a spin-off of that book. Jack is the guy from Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack Frost, Jack O'Lantern, and many others. He is a fucking scheming prick that gets out of every shitty mishap that he gets into. He also has a great post-coital way with the babes:

Jack is probably my favorite vulgar character, with a close second being Pinnochio.

Currently, there is a Fables crossover involving Jack of Fables, Fables, and a new book called The Literals. I am trying to fly through the Jack books so I can catch up. It's a blast, though, because it has a shitload of B-List fairy tales and characters from nursery rhymes. Great stuff, folks.

Remember Colchester
, indeed!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Wolverine: Origins...Not Bad

Imagine Wolverine was the main character in The Last Action Hero and you kinda get Wolverine: Origins. That's the best way I can describe it. It was cheeseball fun to watch, though, so don't get me wrong.

Ryan Reynolds was awesome for all six seconds he was in the movie. I will fuck with you guys real quick: When you watch the movie, I CHALLENGE you to resist the urge to not think of Blade being the sensei of Deadpool. Try it. Liev Schreiber was the shit. Blah blah blah, go watch it already.