"How to kill exposition" or "What did you do before you came into Office?"

Confucious Castle Says:

Anchors Aweigh, bitch.

From Warren Ellis's first issue of Ignition City.






The only way this could have been better was if Ellis had a panel after the last with Vanderkirk saying, "And I'm not a cocksucker!"

Battlestar Galactica Series Finale

So, I think the morale of the story is that robots will take all the jobs from blue-collared workers. Right?

For all 1 of you that read my blog

I totally forgot to explain how I came up with that Twilight post. When I was watching that part where Edward was all sparkly in the sun like a Liberace cock-ring, I thought to myself, "Vampire?! Hah! More like...GLAMpire!"

Folks, you get this humor at no cost whatsoever. No need to thank me.

My favorite scene in Twilight

I love when Edward stands in the sunlight.

Wait a minute, that's David Bowie! Haha, I got confused there for a minute. Nonetheless, here is a neat screenshot of that one scene with Edward at night:

Well, fuck me, that's David Bowie again.

Paging Dr. Castle

My new crack, "The Punisher", has Frank following some human traffickers. This is the cover and first page.


He isn't studying for the MCATs, folks. Somebody is getting FUCKED UP!

Exterminate! Kawaii desu!!!

That's right; I said, "Kawaii", dammit.

A Furious Spanking

I have been ridiculously addicted to Garth Ennis's run of The Punisher. I'm not talking about that horseshit mini-series with the yoked out Russian in the red and white stripes. I'm talking about the one where he wastes Westies, throws a guy out of a second story window onto a spike tipped fence before he jumps back onto the guy, and escapes out of a missle silo...in a fucking MISSLE. This is not Preacher, folks. This is Frank muthafucking Castle. Garth Ennis tends to write occasional slop, but I never brush the man off, especially not if the man wrote Unknown Soldier and one of my favorite comics of all time, ".303".

So, we all know who Nick Fury is, right. Eye patch, white dude with grey temples (Or bald, black dude ala Sam Jackson, depending on which you prefer). Basically, he is James Bond if 007 had taken a lesser form of the Super-Soldier serum and was a cigar smoking Yank. Garth Ennis wrote Nick Fury in a way that I haven't never seen him, but is the most authentic. A man with Fury's experience is supposed to be grizzled and, well, Ennis in true fashion makes Fury do something that I would have never imagined he would.


OK, in case you missed it, lemme explain what happened in those two panels. Nick Fury spanked a dude. With a belt. The dude was another guy. That got spanked by Nick Fury. There is a term that people use that goes, "Gawwwd Damn." Pick this book up already.

Emerald City Comic Con 2009

I DO IT FOR THE BABES.

I won't bog you down with a million pictures of the day's many costumes. If you truly give a shit about pics, you can Google them and I'm sure there will be a few websites showing you the good and bad of the bunch.

The first thing I noticed is that they had changed the venue from the Seattle Seahawk's stadium to the Convention Center which has a whole bunch more space. I also realized that when I went to the con back in 2004, pre-military mind you, 2004 was the second annual. There are a whole fuck load more people, but the plus side to the increase of douche bags at conventions is the increase of exposure for sweet panels.

Good god, pure fanboys fucking smell like a pile of dookie forgot to put on its deoderant and after-shave. Next topic.

I was not as excited as I expected to be, honestly. I guess since I download frigging everything, buying stuff to get signed became moot to me. With that being said, though, I had a fucking blast. There is nothing like seeing independant artists as well as large companies share the same space and not act like they are snobby when you tell them that you appreciate their art. I had saw Matt Fraction (Casanova) and Jason Aaron (Scalped), but I didn't get anything signed. I can no longer justify purchasing a single issue just to get a signature. Now, if I could find a full trade of Casanova or something, then that would be cool. If I am gonna buy a comic, it had better be long enough so that I can't finish it in one sitting on the shitter.

Me and my friend had got in line for Bruce Timm as soon as we got there. My buddy was totally stoked to catch him since there is a whole story about how 15 years ago, he missed a prime opportunity to meet him. Bruce was doing requested sketches and was a pretty cool guy.

There was some other cool stuff, too.


I saw a kid with a balloon animal of Spider-Man and I totally wanted to take a picture of the booth. I didn't find it until roughly the end of our time at the con. They had some really neat shit, though, like Batman, Ash, and some other things that looked like, well, comic related things, I think. By the way, that picture up top is a bad ass balloon Donatello.


One of two things are going on at this next pic. Either:
(a) They are all going through hypoglycemia and are awaiting for the guy in the Chester Cheetah costume to replenish their life force
or,
(b) They are waiting for their mothers to pick them up.

Of course, I had to get me a sweet t-shirt. I had found a neato shirt, but neato is such an understatement. Check it out...
Please, folks! Do not be mesmerized by the plastic Flash ring and light up Wonder Woman tiara! Look closer at the shirt!
Holy fucking shit, that is a blue bear weilding two revolvers ready to rock. Man, if this is Dodge, you need to get the hell out of it. There ain't nothing else cooler than this unless it's a bear holding a guitar case that shoots rockets like in Desperado.

That, my friends, is Emerald City Comic Con 2009 in a nutshell. Hope to see you next year! Or tomorrow, so that you can continue to read my blogs...

When You Become A God, You Play With Your Creatures

In today's news, "Sears photo shoot slimed by Radioactive Oooze".

Over at Sexy People, there is a post of a Man, His Kin...and a Ninja Turtle.


If you notice, though, that is Mr. Peter Laird of Eastman and Laird, aka co-creators of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Mom on the left is smiling her ass off, awaiting the day that the 90s are over and she will be a rich divorcee. Junior, in the other hand, is not happy at all, not one bit.

NOTE TO SELF: If you ever create a super cool creation that has something to do with personified animals and decide to take a picture with a life-sized version of them, one of them holding your child, no less...Wear a decent t-shirt.

Weekly Round-Up: March 31, 2009

First up, in old comic reading news, I just finished Ed Brubaker's 16-issue run of "Deadenders". This was yet another awesome Brubaker title whose ending was absolutely bittersweet as it makes you feel nostalgic reading the final panel. Only Brubaker can mix a post-apocalyptic world with Vespas and make it cool without venturing into Grant Morrison indulgence. If you leave the book without anything good to say about it, you cannot deny the fact that Brubaker gives a great message to the youth:

DON'T DO DRUGS...



...BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU CONSTIPATED.

In more current comics, Mr Wade Wilson aka Deadpool is kicking ass in the Thunderbolts, but he is shining in the X-Force/Cable crossover "Messiah War". Chris Yost delivers brilliance with a hilarious Deadpool moment after Wolverine stabs him in the brain with his claws:












Oh, you zany mutants. Moving along, we have the Fantastic Four at Reed's cousin's house at some country in Europe. Great foreshawdowing at the end of the issue, but the whole issue was jam-packed with weird monster action. At the end of the book is the gem of the issue, though. Reed does a bad-ass thing where he super stretches his arm to cold-clock his cousin in the grill. The panel was originally looked like this:


But in my head it looked more like this:


Gangsta, Dr. Richards. Very Gangsta.

Welcome To The Toof's Nerd Alert!

First post! Sweet action, folks. Ok, tuck your boners away and let's get to the good bullshit!

This Saturday, I am going to Emerald City Comic Con 2009 at Seattle. This is gonna be sweet. The last comic book convention I went to was the San Diego Comic Con in 2006 with The Wolfman. Sasquatch was supposed to go, but he was doing some training. Anyway, there are gonna be some sweet guests there, like Jason Aaron, who has been writing a phenomenal run on Ghost Rider and Scalped.




Note: This what what I want on my Tombstone! That or pepperoni and sausage...

In not so good news, Hack Extrodinaire (that is EXACTLY what's gonna be on this douche nozzle's tombstone) Rob Liefield made an exclusive Youngblood's poster for the con.


Man, I know that everyone and their mother's have been putting Obama on their covers since November 8, but Jesus Christ, must he hold a, uh, pulse lazer pistol rifle thing? I have two questions for Rob Liefield. Question #1, "What the fuck, dude?" Number #2, "Fuck you, Rob Liefield."

This is how you do it correctly, god dammit:


Post Script: Welcome to Bad-Assville. I hope you love the blog!

I love comics. Here’s why:

What is there not to like? Flaming skull with fiery sword? Check. Cheeky 70s dual alternative titles? Check. Cannibalistic redneck pioneer ghosts carrying mining weapons for combat? Check. "Holy fucking shit, this is da' bizness!" emitting from my mouth? Motha-fucking check.

My happy Halloween

I dressed up for the first time in quite some time. This was the vaguest costume out of the whole clinic, but when I told people who I was, they usually responded with, "Oh, that's right!" I walked around the clinic with the Back to the Future soundtrack playing on repeat in my vest pockets. "He must be a sailor."

I had to take a slight hiatus from the music, though, to perform a physical for some dude going to the brig. "So, uh, what are you supposed to be?" I replied, "Marty McFly from Back to the Future." He replied, "Ohhhhh. Uh..."

Best bit of the day was when I was at the front desk and one of the guys that works in the clinic said, "Hey Aguon. Are you supposed to be that guy from Back to the Future?" After affirming, he said, "We were just clowning you because we didn't know that it was you from behind. My man was saying, 'Look at that dude trying to look like Micheal J Fox.' We just thought you were a patient."

Oh, yeah, someone asked me if I was a redneck for Halloween. Sigh.